A Brief Look Inside the Mind of Our Children

Before we can positively influence anyone’s behaviour we must first understand what it is we are influencing.

As a parent, have you ever looked at your child and thought: ‘Who are you!’

Of course you have, it doesn’t matter how much you love your child or how well behaved your child is most of the time; there are times their behaviour becomes unpredictable, undesirable and even unbelievable.

They almost become little horned monsters; saying and doing the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times, doing things in public you wouldn’t expect a madman to do… let alone your own crafted flesh and blood.

And to add insult to injury you have no idea where this demon comes from or where it has retreated back to, as it angelically waits for its next cue to come out of hiding and wreak embarrassing havoc.

As a parent of three myself, we know this behavioural rollercoaster can be emotionally draining and rather intimidating at times, especially if you have no effective strategy to manage its sudden appearance or any real logical handle on just why it occurs in the first place.

Of course there are many external variables that can influence a child’s behaviour such as lack of effective sleep, artificial additives, pollutants, diet, illness and a lack of positive stimulation to name a few – but by far the greatest long-term influence on our child’s behaviour is their environment in which they exist.

I was once sitting in an airport departure lounge with a physician friend of mine, waiting for our flight which had been delayed.

And as we sat there we watched these two young children screaming and running around in circles as their bewildered parents sat stunned in the middle of this pandemonium with their stress levels visibly increasing by the second, to almost boiling point, and we hadn’t even boarded the plane yet.

We knew this family were on our flight, as did the sheepish parents who were in a complete tailspin as they attempted to round up and contain their children’s enthusiasm with numerous toys, sweets, treats and eventually empty threats through gritted teeth.

Being seasoned travellers - and my friend and I often travel with our own children - we commonly see this scenario displayed for all to see as parents attempt to control their excited child’s behaviour by means outside of their normal parenting strategy.

Sometimes parents think that because they are doing something new or out of the ordinary it requires a new set of guidelines. Unfortunately this just confuses the child as to what is their normally accepted behaviour and what is expected of them now.

With elite sports people, to achieve consistent results requires practicing the way you want to compete. And the same philosophy applies to parenting - consistency reaps rewards.

And of course this scenario isn’t contained to airport lounges. It appears anywhere there are excited children and parents who feel they could be judged on their parenting skills by their peers or even worse… their own parents.

As a behaviour consultant, I am often asked by people, sometimes even relative strangers to ‘fix their child.’ The requests can typically come from a social gathering, a BBQ, pool party, playground, schoolyard, on a flight or even the friend of a friend.

All these parents believe they are the only ones experiencing such torturous pain at the hands of their little angels; as they can appear to mess with your mind and have a never-ending energy and willpower of mischief that threatens to outlast your will to live.

But as sure as eggs are eggs, at some time we all experience what we perceive as excessive behavioural issues with our children, issues that have us at the ends of our tethers, not knowing what to do next and in desperate searching for a practical, instant solution.

I don’t know about you but there is certainly enough anecdotal evidence to support the theory that there is more self-generated pressure going around the average family unit these days than say 20 years ago!

Could it be that what was once considered acceptable behavioural standards seem to have slipped in favour of a more ‘open’ parenting style?

Unfortunately today’s quick fix society has an unrealistic perception and often naive expectation that there is always an instant cure - a ‘magic pill’ that if swallowed will cure all, right all wrongs, fight crime and maybe even save the world!

An unrealistic perception and often naive expectation that there is an instant cure.

I call this the ‘Superman syndrome’ where it sounds fantastic; almost believable for those in enough pain; and certainly desirable, it is for the moment, still fictitious.

Due to popular media, parents are becoming more and more aware of the many prescribed and non-prescribed medications on the market that claim to cure children of all sorts of behavioural issues. Many of these merely subdue a child’s behaviour by zombifying them, along with their ability to think, grow, develop and socially thrive.

They do this by chemically inhibiting the brains neural pathways, dulling their senses and, as a by-product, their behaviour. Many of the more commonly prescribed medications have strong chemical links to drugs such as cocaine and other amphetamine drugs.

Under normal circumstances, most parents wouldn’t consider this a feasible option.

Yet some parents feel they have gotten to such a stage of desperation with their children and seeing no other clear alternative, they have succumbed to the lure of medicating their child believing its the best option open to them.

In my professional opinion there are always other alternatives to medication and in most cases (not all) medicating a child in order to get them to simply comply isn’t the best option available to them.

It certainly shouldn’t be the first option and to be regularly medicated with an amphetamine derivative isn’t the most desirable outcome for a child’s fragile cognitive development.
There are medical conditions that render a child exposed to undesirable and inhibited decision-making ability and perceptive skill set. And for medical conditions, medication may be your only realistic option and something to seriously consider under appropriate medical guidance.

When discussing behavioural issues however, as apposed to medical issues, let us be clear, the alternatives to medicating are not easy, but are far more desirable long-term than strong medication.

So how do we begin to manage a child’s behaviour? There are many steps that are required in order to first truly understand and diagnose an underlying issue that a child is experiencing.
Get to the heart of these issues, and maybe you have discovered the catalyst for their behavioural meltdown and personality metamorphism!

Only when these steps have been taken, the detailed results assessed and the key indicators been established can we begin to understand, manage and rebuild a child’s cognitive behavioural pattern.

The outcome is to provide better behavioural options available to them, and then hope they will choose them wisely.

We all want the best for our children, for them to be successful, self-assured, motivated and self-reliant. We all want to give them the opportunity to achieve and thrive throughout their lives as well balanced, driven adults oozing high self-esteem.

However, long before we can achieve ‘personal greatness’ we must first establish stability and a lasting effective learning strategy, one that will sure up our neurological foundations and eventually lead us to achieve those deeply desired aspirations.

Okay, so where do we start? Well, first we must:

• stabilise and manage behaviour
• gain traction in controlling their emotions
• build structure around the area of attention span and focus
• improve information retention whilst channelling all that energy into good rather than evil

… in short, we need structure.

This often involves full input and support from the family unit and any other influential figures in the child’s life.

This is in order to effectively manage their external environmental influences and thus their internal understanding, representational systems and behaviour.

Through the study of human psychology we know that by merely observing a child’s behaviour (or for that matter anyone’s) it changes in its contextual dynamics.

Because let us be honest here, once you know someone is watching what you are doing, your behaviour is internally reassessed and externally modified to represent and reflect your publicly perceived and socially accepted persona.

And differing perception results are dependant on the child’s age and who they are trying to please, whether it be themselves or someone else.

This means your behaviour and its reactions to situations changes to give ‘the observer’ the perception of the information you want them to have and is effectively telling them what you want them to know merely by your actions.

With this in mind it is essential that the ‘true’ dynamic behaviour be completely uncovered, by being covertly observed and all information documented in detail.

This will give us a more true indication of the underlying motivators, from the conception of the behaviour, through its internal development and ultimately its external manifestation.

From this point we can establish the underlying stimulants that continue to feed and fuel the problem behaviour.

This is important, so all of our clients are first issued with a diary before any other action is taken. These diaries come with specific instructions on how to gather relevant intelligence whilst remaining undetected.

This may all sound rather secret squirrel on our part and to be honest with you, it is.

However, it is done with the noblest of intentions to gain the ‘true’ behavioural catalyst and best outcome for the child’s long-term social, emotional and educational development.

These diaries become pivotal in not only the child’s behavioural diagnostic process but also in the self-realisation that any child’s behaviour is ‘created.’ It is in large part an internal reflection of their external influences and is fully reactionary to their immediate environment.

In order to understand why a child behaves in a certain manner we must first understand what process the child goes through in deciphering the nuts and bolts intricacy of their world.

What formula they utilise whilst making and processing their choices in life, and how do they deal with any situation as it arises?

Of course their process won’t be the same as yours, mine or anyone elses. It is totally unique and seen from a completely individual perspective.

Generally speaking a child’s decision-making process is primarily based on their emotional gain rather than any great logical thought process.

Generally speaking a child’s decision-making process is primarily based on their emotional gain rather than any great logical thought process.

We may like to think that what is behind their apparent destructive and devious behaviour is a genius mastermind at work, the OZ behind the curtain, just honing their skills to one day save the world! And they may just do that.

In reality it is probably not so much genius OZ, than egocentricism that is driving their behavioural choices.

What I mean by this is, usually a child will not sit and plan three, four or five logical steps in advance in order to carry out a dastardly plan, one that is intricately designed to derail any plans you may have made.

Rather, they keep things pretty simple, by remembering a ‘specific’ emotion they have evoked previously through their different behaviours, choosing to replicate one of these to gain their desired result or outcome.

Think of a small child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket… you know the ones I’m talking about. These tantrums evoke a tried and trusted and easily replicatable response, one that gives the child either a physical reward to keep them quiet or the desired emotional attention from the parent. Happy or sad interaction with the parent is still interaction in their eyes.

Considering this reasoning, it is a far more simplistic and primal thought process than our previous understanding of the situation - of complicated espionage and worldwide offspring conspiracy theories - no matter how much it may appear that way.

And for the child, it is much easier to replicate an emotion than a secret handshake, a code word sequence or any multi-levelled thought processes designed purely around your demise. This is basic primal behaviour and classic behavioural conditioning – associating an emotion / action to a replicable result.

However simplistic this method of decision-making is, in reality we as adults sometimes just choose not to get it - there must be a point in our neurological development that switches off our ability to simplify.

We have instead chosen to forget how we as children made life pretty simple in favour of the overly complicated, analytical existence we currently choose to lead today.

As a child if it felt good we did it, if it didn’t we wouldn’t! Pretty simple really.

Whilst applying adult logic to a child’s simplistic mindset may appear on the surface to be a good parenting idea, it is simply trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

We frequently try to instil that complicated so-called ‘logical’ process we have developed over the years of trial and error into our child’s neurology. We complicate and confuse our child rather than clarify and guide them.

By the very nature of its origins adult logic comes from the collective experiences we, and our peers have gained through growing into adulthood.

What we have experienced, read, seen, heard and felt and the meanings WE as individuals have ascribed to them, is then stored neurologically and made available for referencing, cataloguing and grouping by us.

It is not an open source library but rather an individual’s personal experience and reference centre.

A child has not yet experienced any of these and so has no tangible concept of neither their worth, nor cognitive maturity to empathise and process them with any degree of accuracy or suitability.

Yet as adults we continue to attempt to get children to think just like us, expecting them to comprehend the consequences of their actions far beyond their cognitive maturity.

Of course children of all ages need to have a ‘realistic’ grasp and tangible understanding that their actions will always have a consequence and that boundaries must be respected and adhered to.

This is some of the key foundations to a good parenting strategy and behavioural management program.

Teach children that whatever they do has a consequence, good, bad and certainly sometimes even ugly. Enable them to learn how to judge what is appropriate and what is not, what is worth the risk and what the probable outcome will most likely be. These are the essential life skills if they are to face the world on their own one day.

When an adult expects a child to understand a complicated sequence of events, with adult logic and consequences, then they are creating a very difficult and potentially explosive situation.

The child just hasn’t developed the cognition for the deconstructive and reconstructive thought process involved. Instead, they apply their own sense of meaning to the situation with their own perceived consequences and in their world, this is a totally acceptable and clearly understandable interpretation of the situation in their minds.

Children need to be children for their own development.

I am sure as a parent you have heard yourself uttering the words ‘What were you thinking?’ I know I have. Of course in their minds they had done the thinking and it all appeared quite reasonable.

Their interpretation is based on the reference library of information and experiences they have collected thus far. And so with minimal options available to them in which to choose from, they are less likely to be correctly assessed and the most appropriate choice made.

Many of us parents forget children need to be children for a very necessary developmental reason, it is not just as a transitional phase that needs to be navigated through as quickly as possible.

Too many adults are dressing their children in adult looking clothes, almost like mini-mes, buying them mini coffees in cafes, giving them the responsibilities of much older children in a vein attempt to hot-house their development and maturity. It simply just doesn’t work that way.

Of course the children will want this extra attention and expectation as they strive to be grown up and even be just like their primary mentors – ‘YOU’ - their parents. This can have serious consequences for the child’s ultimate long-term development emotionally, socially and educationally.

In a recent study published by Geoff Moss ’Social Mediation, cultural disruption and disruptive children’ (2005) it stated that over the last 25 years there has been an increase of 70% in reported ‘serious’ childhood emotional issues.

It further stated that within 15 year olds an increase of 16% for Boys and 12% for Girls demonstrated frequent anti-social behaviour resulting in law enforcement action and an increase of 13% in Boys and 20% in Girls reported cases of low self-esteem and depressive tendencies requiring medical intervention.

In the US alone it is estimated that in 2008 – an average of 186,000 children EVERY day will miss school due to being bullied or victimised in violent assaults.

On the surface, this may appear to fall into one of those ‘only in America…’ stories, however, Australia has now become the fourth most bullied society on the planet. And these statistics are continually rising year after year.

An increase of 70% in reported ‘serious’ childhood emotional issues.

It simply just doesn’t work that way.

With the increased access to the internet and mobile phones our children (Generation ‘I’) are being cyber bullied far more easily and some are even becoming the cyber bullies themselves.
The physical and psychological attackers in the classrooms and schoolyard of yesteryear have evolved in such a way they now control the cyber space our children move in with such ease.
No longer do our children get to leave the bully at school, they now have them follow them home, into our homes and often their bedrooms 24/7.

With more and more families having both parents having to work full time, a whole new generation of latch-key kids are evolving with little or no constructive emotional boundaries being enforced and little active daily parental support open to them.

With this social development comes children who are emotionally exposed and vulnerable. Consequently they are resorting to more violent and extreme forms of retribution.

They deal with their issues in their own way and on their own terms and unfortunately in a way they see portrayed on the TV screen.

Gun crime - up, knife crime - up, gang membership – up, drug use – up, obesity – up, suicides - up.

So where has this social anarchy surfaced from? And has it always been this way? This is a question many of us tackle on a daily basis.

I know each generation feels they are the pioneers into the brave new world as they lead us oldies out of the dark ages from which we as their parents have evolved.

But correct me if I am wrong, the world appears a much darker place to exist these days if you are in your teens. Sure I was bullied, I’m sure you were too at some point in time.

Like many men of the day, my father said it was character building for me to be bullied – it would make me a man!

But I don’t remember kids taking knives onto the street or their parents firearms and shooting their nemesis and/or themselves on such a regular basis. Nor do I see this as building character, rather destroying social and ethical boundaries and making personal retribution an acceptable form of justice.

And I hate to be the one breaking this news, but we as their predecessors have been the ones orchestrating this brave new world... creating their world in our eyes.

We have been their social incubators as we chipped away at the social fabric leaving the foundations rockier than we found them.

Have we taken our eye off the ball?

Frequently whilst working within the family unit I observe common trends - things that I see from house to house, from classroom to classroom and from group to group. One of the biggest realisations I have observed is that the line between the child of today and their adult influencers has merged, it appears to have become fuzzy, no longer is there a clear divided line.
Of course having clear and open lines of communication is exceptionally healthy and a necessity.

However the process by which we move through from child to adolescent, adolescent to adult has been breached and is now almost one very brief jolted motion, with not much time for learning, growing and preparing in between.

It would appear once a child reaches the tender age of ten (and even younger in some cultures) they are automatically granted the rights that were once earned, responsibilities that were once developed and a level of maturity that was once nurtured - whether they are ready for it or not.
Children see, hear, participate and expect things that are just way too complex for their mental, social, emotional and cognitive development and we all too frequently enable it.

In an effort to give our kids everything we never had as children ourselves, we have swung the pendulum to the other extreme and smothered them in opulence, creating a society in which they in many circumstances are not yet ready for and placed the world at their feet. All with little or no adequate coaching in how to deal with it. ‘She’ll be right as the Australian’s say!’

Part of growing up is to experience the thrill of the chase, to strive for our goals, to respect others and their achievements and learn from them and have the latitude to fail. We gain a grasp on our actions and learn what the tangible consequences are in a safe and loving environment.

By completing our apprenticeship and earning our passage into the next stage of life, we gain the necessary experience and learn what is required as a species to thrive and survive.

Unfortunately by robbing the next generation of this learning process we have inturn robbed them of the skills and ability to place things into perspective, to deal with responsibility, to problem solve and think laterally. We have robbed them of their survive and thrive mechanism.

We have even robbed them of the necessary skills required to evolve and grow, literally turning our species clocks backwards a generation or two.

And what do we do when we cannot understand something? We ascribe our own interpretation, our own meaning and our own set of rules and consequences.

I recently worked with a lady and her 11 year old daughter, the daughter was demonstrating little or no respect for her mother and was openly hostile towards her. Eventually they sought professional assistance.

After observing the family dynamics for a period of time and deciphering the information gathered from her detailed diary it was apparent to me that the mother had chosen to treat her 11 year old as an adult best friend, rather than a daughter.

She would discuss everything with her daughter, from the family financial situation to her relationship with her husband (the father).

This changed the daughters perception of her place within the family dynamics.

The impact of her parents to be effective role models and the effectiveness of the family boundaries had become warped and inefficient thus the influence of her mother compromised and diluted.

The lines between child and parent had become blurred, surrendering her internal boundaries and derailing her guidance system. With the boundaries now non-existent this had become a subconscious fight for female dominance and supremacy between the mother and daughter.

The mother had created a challenge for the position of head female within the family unit – she had unknowingly coached her daughter into a perfect position for a hostile takeover.

When I identified this for the parents, and showed them the path by which this had been slowly developing over a period of almost seven years, they were shocked and totally oblivious to their daughters grooming, as was the daughter.

Let’s be clear, it is right and just to encourage our children to grow up, to give them opportunities, to nurture their desires, responsibilities and to give them the best start possible - that’s what parenting is all about.

A mother had chosen to treat her 11 year old daughter as an adult best friend, rather than a daughter.

But there has to be a realistic balance! A consequence to action ratio, a guided process of teacher and student respect, a consistent and reliable boundary system by which a child can feel safe, nurtured and guided.

There is a natural and evolutionary reason why babies who crawl for longer periods of time before walking develop faster and are far more socially, emotionally and cognitively developed. They demonstrate far more sustainability than those who jump up and walk at a very young age.

The neurological development stimulated by being at ground level is immeasurable, the explorative experience of feeling your way around your environment encourages the brain to develop, to problem solve and to play out a multitude of situations, scenarios and thought processes before selecting the most appropriate option.

So how do we reverse this social vortex that appears to be spinning out of control, heading into a self-destructive implosion whilst eating away at our child’s evolving minds?

The good news is… it’s not all doom and gloom and certainly isn’t too late. There is an answer.

The short answer is ‘Parenting.’

The more involved and complex answer is ‘interactive and involved Parenting.’

Every moment brings choice.

By stepping back and looking at what we as parents are allowing into our children’s world, we can choose what to influence and stimulate our child’s mind, what examples we as parents are setting for our children and enabling them to accept as ‘normal’ behaviour and what the world is portraying as reality.

If we slow down their world just enough to teach them to appreciate their natural growth, they will learn the impact they have on the world as much as the world has on them; understand that actions have consequences; and that consequences are proportionate to their actions.

• Set aside time to ask questions, talk to them, ask them what they think, feel and understand about their world on their level and in their sphere of influence.
  
• Set up an expectation of communication, set the precedence that you are not only interested in their world but you understand their world.
  
• Don’t allow them to feel alone, nor feel like they are flying solo because you are too busy, no one likes that feeling least of all a child.
  
• What is important to them about today, tomorrow and their future?
  
• Ask them what impacts on their thoughts and what is important to them about today, tomorrow and their future.
  
• Allow them to grow through experimenting, through interaction and through effective and practical mentoring under the watchful eye of a loved one.
  
• Show them how their actions will always impact on others, how their words may mean something completely different to another and how their silence may be interpreted by someone who cares.
  

Emersion parenting isn’t throwing your children into the deep-end and expecting them not only to survive, but also to thrive. Emersion parenting is all about being involved in their lives, their growth and their development.

Set them overt boundaries and consistently enforce them, never giving an inch, consistency and continuity is the key.

And teaching them that sometimes rules can’t be broken and alternatives have to be assessed and devised. Necessity is after all the mother of all invention.

All children thrive on clear and precise boundaries, taking away not only the guesswork but also clarifying what is expected of them. Teaching them that theirs and others actions equal consequences that have an impact.

A child’s imagination is exceptionally fertile and if propagated correctly will grow into an effective and efficient decision-making machine, one that is multi dimensional and capable of more than our generation could ever imagine.

And as a parent it is paramount that we continually observe our child’s behaviour, looking for key indicators that something may be impacting adversely on their minds. Take a good look at their environment, who they socialise with, do they socialise or are they being bullied or are they bullying.

If you are concerned, keep a detailed diary. Refer back to it and look for trends and patterns.

Remember a child will respond to emotional triggers, give them positive emotional rewards for all good behaviour and try not to pander to their tantrums, it’s all part of their learning. And allow them to be a child, let them piece together their new world, exploring its construction and make-up.

Understanding how to deconstruct and reconstruct warts and all.

A child’s imagination is exceptionally fertile and if propagated correctly will grow into an effective and efficient decision-making machine

Set a path but be flexible, learn as you go but remember what went before you and most of all 'Enjoy the Ride.'